More often that not, when I hear people talk about adoption, they talk about the expense of it all. And, while it is expensive to go through an agency, a broker, or do an international adoption, many seem to overlook the overwhelming nunber of foster children in the United States. Policies differ from state to state, and I only have knowledge of Louisiana's DCFS progam. I rarely write in 2nd person. Mostly because it was drilled into my head not to by all of my English teachers. However, in this instance, I think it's appropriate.
In Louisiana, when you begin the process of adoption through DCFS, you have to take classes in whatever parish you reside in. In the parishes with smaller populations, the class may be held in a neighboring parish. Before the last class, you will be finger printed and have a background check run for every adult in your home. After you complete the classes, you will hold dual certification in foster and adoption. This is because in order to adopt a child, you must foster them for 6 months prior to the adoption. These classes are very informative, and above all else, remind you that the state's 1st goal is reunification with their birth parents. The following information will not be exact:
Before a child is placed in your care, you will meet your home care worker. This person will do monthly inspections of your home, to ensure your family and home are safe and stable for the foster child. A few requirements--fire extinguishers, medication out of reach of the child, water heater temperature must be set so that a child could push the handle all the way to the hottest setting, and still have their hand under the water for 30 seconds or so. Pets must be current on all required vaccinations. They don't want your house to look like a museum, but it must be safe for the child and this depends on the age of the child. The child's social worker will also visit monthly, to speak with the child and see how he or she is doing.
When a foster child (rarely 1 child, sibling groups are much more common), is placed with you, they're going to have very few possessions. One of the first things their social workers will do is take them shopping. At the time we did foster care, we could choose Walmart or Target (Always choose Target. The clothes last longer). Depending on the age of the child, a car seat may be purchased, some diapers, wipes, clothes, shoes, other necessities, and always, a suitcase.
Like I said earlier, single child placements are very rare. Especially if you want younger children, it's always a good choice to accept sibling groups. During your home care assessment, you will fill out a form where your state your preferences. Be honest. If you cannot handle a child with a mental or physical impairment, admit it. It doesn't make you a bad person, it just means you're being honest, and a mentally or physically impaired child would not flourish in your home, and you would be miserable. No one wants the child or the foster parents to be unhappy. So, be completely honest. And think about the time commitment for special needs kids. Will you be able to bring them to frequent doctor's appointments? Even if the child is not special needs, you will need to be able to make doctor's appointments, to take off of work when the daycare calls. These are some time considerations. The state will pay for daycare if the foster parent(s) work 25 or more hours/week.
You will also have to go to the WIC office once every1-3 months for vouchers. I can't remember which. This is especially important for babies on formula. It is also a pain in the behind. If you are supposed to get 32 jars of baby food, miscount and only get 31, you have to run all the way back to get the 32nd one. Many times WIC approved items are not clearly marked. Sometimes the children must accompany you to the WIC office. And when I went shopping, with my Coach purse and iPhone and pulled out those vouchers, I could feel the judgment from the other shoppers. Sometimes I wished I could turn around and shout, "I'm a foster mom." But, of course, I didn't. I never drew attention to that fact when our first girls were around. I didn't want them to feel different.
Our first placements were two little girls--2 years and 2 months. They came to our home one evening and were immediately put in the bathtub to be all cleaned up. I'm not going to get into why they were in care, except to say they were neglected.
We were required to meet at the DCFS office once a week so the girls could meet with their birth parents and other sibling. At first it was for one hour. Then the parents separated and the visits were two hours long. I started hanging out at the library during their visits, so I wouldn't be stressed out, dealing with a stressed out 2 year old. Then the mom started not showing up. Or she would show up 19 minutes late. You see, we had to wait 20 minutes, and if she didn't show up, we could leave. I know she thought she was "sticking it" to DCFS, but all she was really doing was only seeing her girls for 40 minutes instead of an hour. And you will witness the heartbreak of a hopeful two year old who looked out the window for their mother every time they hear a car door slam, only to sit back down in defeat when it wasn't her. After the 3rd time of being 19 minutes late, the social worker on the case told us to go and had a chat with the mom. It got better for a time, but then she just stopped showing up. After a few no-shows, we were no longer required to go to DCFS for her hour.
Bill Clinton passed a law while in office that stated that children should only remain in state custody for 18 months. And, in theory, it works. In practice, not so much. After 6 months, there is a review. While the children were in state custody, the biological parent(s) are given a plan to follow and complete. At six months, they look at how the parents are doing with their plans. Some will follow their plans to the letter, take every class, do everything they possibly can to regain custody of their children. At 12 months, there is a hearing. At this hearing, the social workers tell the judge whether the state is still moving towards reunification or whether the goal is being changed to adoption. Six months later, there is a final hearing where parental rights are either returned or terminated. Keep in mind, even if the goal was changed to adoption, the biological parents can still decide, during the last six months to work their plan and turn the goal back to reunification. Now...this last hearing may take place exactly 18 months after the child was placed in care, but that rarely happens. Court dates get postponed. You may show up at court, with the social workers multiple times, only to wait hours and be told the child's case isn't going to be heard that day. It is excruciating. Especially when you're waiting on a termination hearing. Because the adoption cannot happen before the termination of the biological parents' parental rights.
Depending on the parish, if the biological parents are in jail, visits are not ordered. In the parish we were residing in, the judge was adamant that children not be brought to visitations at jail. She did not want jail to be normalized. But they will bring those parents to court dates and will hold visits there. You will get to know your homecare worker. Ours is now retired and a FB friend. So are two of our former social workers, both of whom are working to better the system.
During the time before the reunification or adoption takes place, the state gives foster parents board payments. This is to cover the costs of food, diapers, wipes, etc. Many factors go into deciding how much is paid to the foster parents. If a foster child with a disability is adopted, they are able to stay on state insurance until they are adults or the family moves out of state.
Once an adoption takes place, another birth certificate is issued with the adoptive parents' names in place of the birth parents. You can change, and it is recommended to do so, the child's social security number.
Now, this is where my opinion comes into play. Once adopted, unless the child is a different race, the adoption story is no longer yours to tell. It is the child's. Kids are cruel. We all know that. Labeling a child as an adoptive child is begging for them to get bullied. Particularly in a state adoption, which typically has very different circumstances surrounding the child--the child is removed from care versus a birth mother making an adoption plan and picking out her child's parents. State adoptions are very different from private adoptions. And when telling your child about how they came to be yours, it's not rainbows and unicorns, like it may be for others.
Adopted is a verb. Don't use it as an adjective. And if you have to refer to your child as your adoptive child, and yourself as your child's adoptive parent, you probably shouldn't have gone through with the adoption, because you're looking at it all wrong. The minute that the judge decrees the adoption is finalized, that child is YOUR child. You are parents. You are Mom or you are Dad. It kills me when kids are referred to as someone's adopted child. Particularly when the child may or may not know they were adopted as is sometimes the case when they are the same race and/or look similarly to their parents and the rest of their family.
DCFS adoptions are not expensive at all, financially. Emotionally, however, you're going to be on a roller coaster. And so are the children. Do everything you can to make them feel part of your family, just like any biological kids that you have. Calling them "adopted" is not the way to do that. Let them share it on their own time and to whomever they want. It's no longer just your story. It's theirs, too. How you became a family is no one's business except your family's. You don't walk around shouting about how you became a mom via C-section or IVF or the natural way. Why would you announce that your child is adopted?
**Note: This is one of the best books about adoption I've ever read. The actress from My Big Fat Greek Wedding wrote it after adopting her daughter through DCFS in her state: Instant Mom
